Hospice Nurse Hadley Helps Those Struggling With Death and Loss Through Best Selling Book and TikTok (with Hadley Vlahos of @nursehadley)

[00:00:00] Nurse.com is proud to be a sponsor of the Ask Nurse Alice podcast. As a premier destination for nursing knowledge and resources, Nurse.com supports your passion for healthcare with an unrivaled collection of tools, articles, and courses tailored for the nursing community.

[00:00:15] Get your daily dose of things you need to know for your nursing journey. Discover the world of nursing like never before with Nurse.com. Empower your practice, advance your career, enrich your knowledge. Nurse.com. It's your nurse life all in one place.

[00:00:29] You're listening to Ask Nurse Alice presented by nurse.org where Alice Benjamin combines no nonsense advice with thought-provoking interviews. Hi friends and welcome to another episode of the Ask Nurse Alice podcast. This show we talk about anything and everything nursing

[00:00:54] and healthcare related. I'm your host Alice Benjamin, clinical nurse specialist, family nurse practitioner, and chief nursing officer at nurse.org. Now guys, I've been a nurse for quite some time, 20 plus something years, and as experienced as I am, I have to say that

[00:01:11] even though I know that some deaths are inevitable, it's still a very difficult experience for me as a nurse to go through. And that's why you know I definitely love when we're able to involve like hospice nurses and other folks that can kind of help ease

[00:01:27] the process, you know not just for the patients and the families but also as healthcare professionals. It's a skill set that's beautiful that sometimes doesn't get all of the credit that it needs and

[00:01:37] deserves. So I'm so excited about today's guest. I have nurse Hadley Blahos. She is a hospice nurse and she's doing big things guys. Well first off, you've probably seen her on TikTok and Instagram.

[00:01:49] Tons of great videos that are watched by you know not only nurses and healthcare providers, but people in general. As a hospice nurse, she's able to share people compliant stories and experiences to help us understand and recognize what's going on, help us acknowledge our feelings,

[00:02:05] and to help understand the death and dying process as not only a provider, but also maybe as a patient's family member. And just being considerate of those things. So please welcome to the show Hadley Blahos. Hi Hadley. Thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited.

[00:02:20] Okay, I'm so excited. I'm ready to almost jump into the book, but first I would like to ask, because our listeners like to know, tell us a little bit about your journey into nursing. Why nursing? Yeah, absolutely. I always share this very honestly, because I know not everyone

[00:02:36] goes into it where they're like, oh, I've wanted to be a nurse since I was little and some of us you know aren't like that and that's okay. So I actually wanted to be a writer. I went off

[00:02:47] to Florida State University and when I was 19, I ended up pregnant and planned and I had my son at 20 and I just knew that my original plan wasn't going to cut it. And I started looking into options

[00:03:00] and nursing allows you relatively quickly to have a pretty good stable job that will provide stable income and lots of different options as a single mom for working. And that is why I went

[00:03:13] into nursing and I feel like I am 100% where I was meant to be. And that was definitely the path that I needed to take and now I get to be an author as well. But you know life leads us in all different

[00:03:25] directions and I'm very grateful for nursing. Oh gosh, I'm glad to hear that because you know everyone has different reasons for why they go into nursing. And so I know one story is wrong.

[00:03:36] There's no real wrong reason to go into nursing because overall we have first off we're short nurses already guys. So if you're listening to this, you're a nurse to come on in. We need all

[00:03:45] the help we can get. So Hadley, you have a book called The In-Between Unforgettable Encounters During Life's Final Moments. So the in-between obviously as a hospice nurse you've probably seen a lot. Tell us a little bit about when you went into nursing how you chose the specialty

[00:04:06] of hospice because I imagine that's a lot of the inspiration behind your book. Yeah, absolutely. So I did float pool first as an intern for a year and you know went to all different parts of the hospital. And I really liked labor and delivery at the beginning of

[00:04:23] life ironically. And I did not get the job. And I was devastated that my career was over. I'd never be happy. So I took basically what they gave me which was immediate care and from there

[00:04:37] I then was offered management in the nursing home that was attached to it. And that's where I saw a hospice. And when I saw those nurses sit one on one with patients and care not only about

[00:04:52] what was going on medically but holistically as well, what the families needed, how they were feeling and not having anything to do except be with that one patient for 30 minutes to an hour.

[00:05:02] I was like that is what I need to be doing. That is absolutely what I love. You know you're in hospice. I've seen you share like your TikTok videos you've told some, let me say it by the way some very touching heartfelt stories on there about you know

[00:05:20] kind of different patients again guys, people compliance or don't come for us. Okay that like watching them I got choked up. I like could feel the knots in my stomach. It reminded me of experiences

[00:05:33] with my father and even patients that I've taken care of because I'll be honest sometimes when I see patients or situations that are reminiscent of my father's situation I get kind of choked

[00:05:45] up and it's hard for me. And I think that's why because I have those feelings it's hard for me when I'm taking care of dying patients not that I don't want to but emotionally it's challenging

[00:05:56] for me. So I'd like to know from you how do you do it? How are you able to because you have such a kindred spirit like I can feel it and you know you said you wanted to go into

[00:06:10] labrum delivery which by the way every setback is just a setup for what you're really supposed to do so you went into end of life care how is that that you're able to do that is it weighing heavy on you

[00:06:22] or like how do you manage the emotions? Yeah so I really struggled with it at first which I share pretty openly in my book the empathy versus sympathy that was super difficult for me at first and

[00:06:35] really learning to separate my life and at first it was like okay I have to be like this is home I only think about home this is work I only think about work and part of the meaning of the book in between

[00:06:46] has many meanings but I went to therapy and had to learn how to not when I'm at work not say this situation is like my own and I'm losing like a grandparent. I had to learn I feel human

[00:07:03] empathy for these people and I care for them from that spot without thinking that this is my own thing that I am going through and I am here to help and to aid but I don't need to take on every death

[00:07:16] like it is my own family member. What do you recommend to nurses when they're in situations like is there a certain mantra that you would tell yourself or what are some tips for us that

[00:07:26] are at the bedside? And you know we all just came out through this pandemic so we like we were bombarded with death and dying in some very tragic situations and it's been traumatic so

[00:07:36] like I hear you and I'm like okay I'm going to not take it on but when I'm in the moment when I'm in the room when I'm seeing the patient and I'm seeing the family cry it's just like

[00:07:45] it's hard Hadley so is there a mantra or a tip that you have for us when we're in the moment? You know I think something that I always tell myself is that quote I don't know who said it

[00:07:56] but it said people will forget what you did they'll forget what you said but they will never forget how you made them feel and I love that so I'm always really focusing instead of my

[00:08:08] goal to be like don't get too emotionally attached or my goal to say don't just detach my goal is to make sure that everyone in the room feels good about the death

[00:08:18] and so whenever I make that my goal I never leave feeling like I am sad or discouraged and I might have those human feelings but at least I know that I have done well no matter what the outcome is.

[00:08:34] Okay that's some good advice there now imagine as a hospital surgeon you've also probably seen things that science and medicine can't explain I know I have I know I have and like and it's usually something that we're all going to break I'm like did you see

[00:08:51] you know this happened and it's just kind of like a like jaw dropping because according to our textbook according to what the science says that you know death and dying is usually looks like this and happens like this but then there are some people who make

[00:09:09] miraculous you know miraculous there's some people who make miraculous come back and then there are just some other things that you just can't explain as it looks like they're come like they're full of energy and they're making a return but then they still pass or like even

[00:09:23] things like they wait till their family members leave or they wait just in time for someone to come so like what are some what are some things that you've seen in in your practice

[00:09:34] that and I don't know maybe as a hospital surgeon you have an explanation for these things yeah you know I don't think that there's an explanation and I think I'm okay with that

[00:09:43] and I think a lot of us struggle with that when we see that where we're like okay we have our science brains and trainings like you said where we have to have an explanation and everything

[00:09:52] is kind of black and white and I've gotten comfortable in the uncomfortable with just being like I don't know why this happens but I know it does I know that I see like you said the

[00:10:02] surge of energy where many people will I mean I've seen people who have been bedbound for years all of a sudden get out of bed and you're like that doesn't make any sense or you have people see

[00:10:13] deceased loved ones um for a while I kind of was like maybe they're hallucinations but then that doesn't make sense as we know hallucinations people don't all hallucinate the same thing

[00:10:26] and they don't all feel calm or at peace so that's not really the correct definition of it in my mind so then you start thinking of well what is it and the only thing I do know is that everyone

[00:10:37] sees there to see slob ones and they feel very calm and peaceful about it and we do all see these things like you said and we don't we don't learn about it and no one really talks about it but

[00:10:49] as I talk about on social media and in my book what's interesting to me is the people who will back me up the most are other nurses um you know usually the naysayers are just people in the

[00:10:58] public but it's actually other nurses who are like I've seen it too I know we're not crazy exactly I know that we're not crazy and you're right I think we struggle with the explanation

[00:11:09] not having like you know like one plus one is two but when you see like one in one equals seven you're like wait a minute so I like how you said you're uh comfortable with the uncomfortable

[00:11:22] I think um that's a really great way to put it now you had me have written this book the in between and I want you to tell us about how this idea of a you know a book came about especially considering

[00:11:39] your expertise tell us more yeah so I really did start as a platform for sharing my stories which have always been you know a writer and a storyteller uh TikTok became like that for me to be able

[00:11:51] to share these stories of what I believe to be absolutely beautiful and I just started sharing them just to share my life with people um we had just moved to a new city I didn't know anyone and it

[00:12:03] was a way of having friends and I was really surprised at how many people were interested in hearing these stories and you know usually in social settings people are just like oh your

[00:12:16] job's kind of depressing and they don't really want to hear more and so what was really nice to finally have this community that really did want to hear more and a lot of people were relating to it

[00:12:27] and they were like I had that happen with my grandparent or my dad or my spouse and it makes me feel like maybe there is something more to it if other people were experiencing this too

[00:12:37] and it was giving people hope in a sense of connection and I was like okay I can only tell so much in 60 seconds and I really want to put people in my shoes every thought I had every feeling

[00:12:51] I had everything I saw and I felt like a book was the best medium for that and so I just started writing I think that was a great idea and especially around the topic of you know death and dying

[00:13:04] that can be a very lonely experience it can you know it's heartbreaking you're grieving you don't know who to turn to sometimes we're looking for answers sometimes we just see reassurance that what we're feeling is okay and so I could definitely see your book being you know resource

[00:13:19] for healthcare professionals obviously feeling like okay I'm not alone I've seen this I've experienced this type of thing but also for the general public the general that is something that I can

[00:13:30] imagine the general public wants more because it's kind of taboo to talk about death yeah it is now in your book unforgettable encounters during life's final moments so I imagine you you selected some stories along the way so are you able to tell us a little bit about

[00:13:51] maybe how you chose that selection or uh some that because I think some of these you also talk about on tiktok or we kind of get a highlight of them right yes yes so I do I have

[00:14:02] shared some already so and those people are the people you know that you have for six months or longer and you get very close to them so I decided to do the first two years of my career as a

[00:14:14] hospice nurse because I thought it was important to show people what it's like to enter so that people can learn with me as I learned all of this stuff instead of coming from a place of

[00:14:25] like today where I already know all of these things so you you learn with me as a brand new hospice nurse and all the insecurities and questions that come with that so of course there's my first

[00:14:36] patient that I ever had died while I was a hospice nurse and then there's those that you take care of for a very long time those were very easy to fill in and then I lost my own mother-in-law on

[00:14:46] hospice she's a chapter in the book too um in my first couple of years and so after that I had a couple of patients that had her same diagnosis and I had to really work through

[00:14:59] how to how to do that and now of course I volunteer to take those patients because I completely understand what the families are going through and what the patient's going through but it was very difficult at first to go back to the bedside of hospice patients after losing

[00:15:13] your own mother-in-law and so whatever I thought about my own personal journey it was pretty easy to fill in who those patients were that really got me to where I am today.

[00:15:25] Yes so guys you guys have to check this this book out I definitely can resonate with the the feeling of because when you were talking about your mother-in-law I was thinking about like my dad

[00:15:35] and like there are some cases that are feel so similar to my dad even like the dynamics the family response and like I jump in I want to take care of those patients because I want to make

[00:15:47] their journey easier for them even when it looks like death is inevitable just preparing people for death. I don't know Hadley with all of your years of experience and I mean you're telling these

[00:15:58] stories which can help people maybe prepare them for things that might they might encounter during the hospice experience of their their family or their loved ones is there ever such is there

[00:16:12] such a thing as being prepared for death? Yes and no so I share in my book about my mother-in-law I mean I'm pretty much as prepared as you can get for what a death would look like and we actually

[00:16:25] had a hurricane hit right in the last week of her life we had to evacuate with her and she actually ended up dying in the hospital because of that and so even with all of my years of

[00:16:37] experience at that point I you know said I felt like I failed her I don't feel that way anymore but at the time I felt like I failed her and so I think you know that's I was prepared as you could

[00:16:49] have been but sometimes life just has other plans and you have to you know be prepared but know that it might not go the way you think it will. Now Hadley tell me more about that you said you

[00:17:01] feel like you've failed her because when you said that I remember feeling something similar to that with my dad and people have told me all the time like Alice there's nothing you could have

[00:17:11] done differently and I know you try so hard with all these other patients but like be more forgiving of yourself so tell me about what made you feel that way? So we had to evacuate due to the hurricane

[00:17:25] and then of course my husband and I both me and healthcare had to come back very quickly because we have A teams and B teams here where A teams stay for the hurricanes and B teams leave

[00:17:36] and evacuate but then they come back immediately so they can relieve the A teams. So we were on the B team so that we could evacuate with her but as soon as it was over they said you need to come

[00:17:46] back these people need to be relieved of course. So we came back and my mother-in-law and father-in-law followed behind us and in the rush to get back we left her morphine in the fridge at the rental house

[00:18:01] and so when she came back she was having symptoms that needed morphine and because of the hurricane and the pharmacies being closed we couldn't get it. So we had no choice but to go to the hospital

[00:18:14] she did die there at the hospital and for me you know being hospice nurse in my mind my job was to keep her at home and for her to be comfortable and so I had failed her and after a little bit

[00:18:31] I really had some long talks with my husband and learned that basically we went to his hospital where he was working and he wouldn't have been there at his mother's death if that wouldn't

[00:18:44] have all happened exactly as it did and for him and for her they were very very very close I think that that is what mattered more to her than the space and so I really had to remove

[00:18:58] myself from it and what I believe is a good death and you know learn that that's going to be different for everyone else for everyone. Right it is going to be different and how we

[00:19:09] respond and react to it will be different now a lot of people will think about hospice and maybe they get discouraged in this but I think in your book the way and the way you tell your stories you offer

[00:19:23] if I if I could say a silver lining a silver lining around this entire experience and instill some hope on there tell us a little bit about that. Yeah I like to put it that way

[00:19:35] I enjoy sharing with people that it's not all sad and in my opinion I think you're giving people their life back whenever you come on hospice you know for so many people especially people with

[00:19:48] cancer or terminal diseases a lot of their life before coming on hospice is a lot of doctor's appointments a lot of waiting around for results a lot of worry and for once in their life there's

[00:20:00] not all of that it's just at your home with your family and friends and getting to really take back what you want to do you know with us coming to them and I think there's a lot of beauty in that

[00:20:11] we can't change the outcome we can't change when we're going to die but whenever you get to take your power back and decide what you're going to do with it there there can be a lot of beauty

[00:20:22] in that. Very well said I I can't agree with you even more Adelaide this book is out tell us a little bit more about where we can get it and I mean are we going to be seeing any

[00:20:34] speaking engagements around this book tell us tell us more about where we can what we can expect with you in the book. Thank you yes so it's at Anywhere You Buy Books and about to be in

[00:20:45] Costco soon which is super exciting but Amazon of course corresponds to Noble Books and Million Your Local Book Store and then it's on Audible any audio platform and ebook and yeah we I have a few speaking engagements coming up with a few different healthcare associations

[00:21:03] like the Connecticut Nursing Board I'll be talking to you in a funeral association in Vegas in September so a few different things that I'll be doing around the book I'm very excited for. Oh that's amazing and you know where can we follow you because you're also on social

[00:21:20] media and things like that with some really great videos tell us where we can find you there. Yes I'm Nurse Hadley on TikTok Instagram Facebook and YouTube. There you go guys definitely definitely definitely make sure to take the moment to follow Hadley on all social media platforms

[00:21:38] check out her book it's amazing I think it's a great resource not only as healthcare professionals but she says regular everyday people and it can help start conversations around death which we know is inevitable but it doesn't have to be something sad and tragic all the time

[00:21:55] I mean there are things that I would say you know having these conversations would encourage us to live more now and you know live our lives to the fullest and so when we when we get to that

[00:22:07] point which again everyone will we can be as Hadley said as best prepared as possible don't know that looks like for everyone but live with no regrets and you know look for that silver

[00:22:19] lining in these things and Hadley I think you did a great job at how you wrote the book and I'm going blank on the gentleman's name because you did the whole TikTok series video on him

[00:22:29] he was the one that was really crabby to you he was like Carl guys yeah I mean I'm so serious you got like you will get caught on her social media like it's television like watching it like

[00:22:41] a television show it's you know I can't say more I can't say it enough that I appreciate nurses like yourself Hadley and the specialty that you do you know I get a lot of people who

[00:22:54] like I want to work ER I want to work ICU and you know they're like okay we're the heroes but no I think nurses who work in hospice those are the stronger nurses you are the nurses

[00:23:05] that are really there during some of the most the hardest times and I'm going to say like hardest emotionally and mentally because people respond differently when they grieve and during

[00:23:15] death and dying and you know for me like when I when I hear people crying in the hospital I want to cry so for you to be able to help take care of people of truly at their most vulnerable moment

[00:23:29] hats off to you Hadley thank you so much thank you so much so guys I'm nurse Alist another episode in the can this is a great episode so make sure you share it with your friends

[00:23:38] your classmates your colleagues case managers the directors at your UPC and also with your family consider this a book that you know because I know it's all it's really difficult to have conversations about advanced directives and you know wills and things like that this might be a

[00:23:54] way to spark the conversation a lighten up the topic a little bit about something that's really really important to talk about that we don't talk about enough also make sure that leave your rating comment review on your favorite podcast platform that way I can get this podcast

[00:24:07] out to more people and I'd love to hear your feedback so please make sure to email me at nurse Alice at nurse org love to hear what you have to say hear comments about this episode and if

[00:24:17] you have an idea for a future episode we'll love to hear that as well so guys until next time please make good choices be kind to one another and live well my friends thanks for listening to

[00:24:27] ask nurse Alice visit nurse dot org for nursing career education and community resources