Reclaiming Your Self-Worth After Life Changes

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[00:01:14] Maybe you just graduated from college and stepped into the real world, or you left a job that was a huge part of your identity. Perhaps you went through a divorce and found yourself asking, who am I without that title? It's like waking up and realizing that the role you once played every day no longer defines you. Hey everyone, welcome back for another episode of Ask Nurse Alice. For those of you who might be new here, I'm so glad you've joined our community focused on health and wellness and living our best lives.

[00:01:40] Today, I want to dive into a topic that's a little bit about my personal story, but also something that's very relevant to all of us. And that is the way we tie our identity, our value, and our self-worth to our jobs, our roles, and the communities we belong to. You might have noticed that I've been somewhat MIA, missing in action, for several weeks now here on the podcast. And while it hasn't been a full year yet, it's getting close to it.

[00:02:09] Yeah, and I wanted to share with you why I've been away and what I've learned during this time. Also what I've been up to, right? And this isn't just my story, but it's something that many of us experience and often without realizing it. So, story time! Now, about a year and a half ago, I was deeply involved with a popular media. It was a fantastic platform, one that many nurses know and follow. I was working with a large and respected organization. That was both exciting and fulfilling.

[00:02:37] And it was also great for many other reasons. Passionate about, I could elevate my brand and my presence. And it also felt good that I was able to give the outlet top-notch clinical and practice content that I feel that they wouldn't really have been able to get anywhere else or from anyone else because there's only one me. But anyways, when I started working with this media outlet, it was all good. It was amazing. It gave me a strong sense of purpose and community.

[00:03:05] And I felt like I was contributing to something bigger than myself. But as with any journey, there are bumps along the way. And while there were quite a few growing pains, business is business, guys, right? Creative ideas, budgets, and other things just started butting heads or maybe they weren't aligning like they once were. The vision was getting a little blurry or at least what I was seeing wasn't what they were seeing and the way to execute and those type of things.

[00:03:32] And mind you, this is not my outlet, but I'm contributing and working for this outlet. So at the end of the day, I'm not really the decision maker. And things eventually started to be less enjoyable. So I saw some writing on the wall and I was like, let me start exploring some other opportunities. And that's natural. We've all done that in our careers. But what I didn't expect was for my exit to be so tumultuous. But anyways, they say when one door closes, another one opens.

[00:04:01] And hence, that's what it felt like because there was another reputable media outlet, which was on the same level offering a new opportunity. And so I was optimistic. I was thinking this would be a perfect fit to continue doing the type of work that I was doing, providing valuable information to my nursing profession, my fellow colleagues. The initial days were promising. They were filled with new connections and opportunities. And it was amazing. But as time went on, the reality didn't match my expectations.

[00:04:30] When you grow, you'll grow out of clothes. You'll grow out of styles. And so when that happens, you realize you can't keep doing the same thing that you were doing because every day you're getting bigger and better. My expectations and the things that I wanted to do, the work that I want to do, the mission that I had was different from it was the day before or even months before. And so I found myself at a great outlet, wonderful people. They had a great mission, but it aligned with the vision that I had for myself. Found myself disappointed.

[00:05:00] Also found myself trying to figure it out, not really knowing what to figure out or how to figure it out. And in doing so, I was delaying some things that I wanted to do. And I was really questioning my next steps. And this brings me to the core theme of today's episode. And that's how we tie our identity, our value and self-worth in our positions, companies and employers. And there's a name for this, guys. This phenomenon is known in psychology as identity fusion.

[00:05:27] Identity fusion is a deep and intense alignment between one's personal identity and a particular group, role or organization. It means that being a part of a group or fulfilling that role often becomes very integral to who we are. And that changes to that can make us feel like a part of us is lost. But why do we tie our identities to our roles? Human beings are social creatures. We thrive for connection and belonging. And our jobs often provide a clear structure for that.

[00:05:56] Besides, we spend a lot of time there as well. And our roles give us a sense of purpose, a way to contribute, a way to define ourselves. And when you're a nurse, for example, the title isn't just a job. It's a reflection of your dedication, your skills, your passion for helping others. And it's easy to let that role become a significant part of who you are. Many people do this. They're a wife and they identify as such. But what happens when you're no longer a wife?

[00:06:21] Or you're a mom and you're so wrapped in the things that moms do that when your kids are grown, what do you do? Who are you? Here's the thing. We define ourselves primarily through our jobs or roles. And any change in that can make us feel like a seismic shift is happening in our identity. And it doesn't feel good. It's like a part of us is missing when that role changes or it ends. Now, let me give some more examples. One is graduated from college.

[00:06:49] So think about when you've graduated from college. You spent years as a student identifying yourself as a student first and foremost, going to class, going to school, the hustle and bustle, juggling work in school. And then on graduation day, that identity shifts. Suddenly, you're a graduate potentially stepping into a new career. And this transition can feel overwhelming because your sense of self was so tied to being a student. I remember walking across the campus at San Diego State University after I'd graduated.

[00:07:17] And I felt like this weird thing, like, wow, what do I do now? It was a weird feeling because I was really excited that I had finally graduated. This is what I'd been working so hard for. But when it happened, I didn't feel as fulfilled as what I thought I would be. So another powerful example is going through a divorce or ending a long-term relationship. If you've identified very strongly as being a wife or a husband, for example, you're used to doing those wifey things or husband type of things. This is stereotypical, but whatever this looks like for you,

[00:07:46] you're used to doing things that a wife would do, identifying as such, being referred to as such. And so suddenly, when you're no longer in that relationship, who am I without that title? Your identity is a little shook. Your self-worth may even be a little shook. I remember when I'd been so wrapped up in the identity of a wife and doing things for my husband, doing things for the kids, and always just being referenced to as a wife. And then when we got divorced, I was like, I'm not a wife.

[00:08:16] But I was like, there were gaps in my days where I would normally do this, and this is wifey things that I would do. And it actually impacted subsequent relationships because I would want to do things, and they were wifey things and not things that I should be doing for some guy I had just met. But I was so wrapped up in being a wife that it felt incomplete for a while because I wasn't a wife. And I wanted to do wifey things because it made me feel good, made me feel complete. But I wasn't a wife.

[00:08:42] These type of significant life changes and how we handle them can deeply impact our mental and physical well-being. So why do we do this? Why do we identify with these roles? It boils down to five key reasons that I'm going to share with you here. And the first one being social validation. Society often equates success with career achievements. We receive praise, recognition, and a sense of accomplishment from our professional roles, which reinforces our self-worth. Then there's structure and purpose.

[00:09:12] Our jobs provide structure to our daily lives. I get up in the morning, then I'm going to do this, and I'm going to do that, then I'm going to do this. It gives you a schedule. And this gives us a reason to wake up in the morning, set our goals, and contribute to something larger than us. Another reason is financial stability. Our roles also often define our financial status, which can impact our lifestyle and the opportunities available to us. And this financial aspect can further cement our identity around our job.

[00:09:40] If you are used to being a director at a very high-profile firm and making a certain amount of money, if you lose that job or you're no longer there, the firm folds and you're now without a job, there's going to be some identity crisis there because you're so used to doing something. You're so used to having this title of prestige and making this money that it's going to have an impact on you when that changes. Another reason is community and belonging. Working.

[00:10:07] Workplaces are social environments where we can form connections and friendships, and these relationships become a significant part of our social identity. We spend so much time at work. They'll say, oh, my work wife, my work husband, or your bestie at work. And that's because we spend so much time there. Outside of that, we try to make time for other things, but for the most part, we're either busy sleeping or we're busy working, and then we have a small amount of time to do other things. And another reason here is our skills and expertise.

[00:10:34] Our jobs often highlight our skills and expertise, making us feel competent and valuable. Now, this acknowledgement can boost our self-esteem. It can boost our confidence. And while these aspects can be positive, they can also create dependency. Where our self-worth becomes so closely tied to external factors, it leaves us vulnerable when those life circumstances change. So what happens when our roles change?

[00:10:59] Well, when our identity and our roles shift, especially if it wasn't our decision or on our terms, the impact can be really profound. In fact, it can even cause some mental and physical signs and symptoms that you may not even realize you're experiencing. Mood swings. Feeling irritable, sad, or frustrated without a clear reason. These mood swings can be more intense, especially during the transitions. Another one is sleep disturbances. Maybe you have difficulty falling asleep, staying asleep, which can lead to chronic fatigue.

[00:11:28] Stress and anxiety can significantly disrupt our sleep patterns. Loss of enjoyment. That's another one. Activities that once brought you joy no longer seem appealing, and this can lead to a sense of emptiness or lack of motivation. Also, increased anxiety. Worry. You're worrying excessively about the future financial stability and self-worth. And this anxiety can be overwhelming and pervasive. You also might experience social withdrawal.

[00:11:54] Maybe you've pulled away from friends and family, and you've isolated yourself. You've probably been told. Where are you? It feels like you're hiding. People may ask you what's going on. The reason why you're going through social withdrawal is because you might find yourself wanting to avoid social interactions because you're struggling internally. And you don't want anyone around you to notice that. You're not ready to talk about it. Another one is physical symptoms. You might be experiencing some headaches, some stomach issues, and even muscle tension. I know I have. I would experience that in my shoulders.

[00:12:23] It would feel like my shoulders were always shrugged up, and it was just stress and tension in the bottom of my neck and my shoulder blades. Massages are good for that. Just putting that out there. That chronic stress was building up physically in my body through muscle tension. And this type of chronic stress can impact also even your immune system, making us more susceptible to illnesses and have a negative impact on our overall health. Now, these symptoms aren't just abstract concepts.

[00:12:51] They have real, tangible impact on our lives. Let me give you another example. Those who may not know, I'm a medical correspondent for NBC. And prior to that, I worked on some other shows nationally, locally, a bunch of different things. But I remember when the shows The Doctors and Dr. Oz was on television. I was very much a part of those shows. My public presence was growing. I was having fun. I was getting to educate. I was getting to represent nurses.

[00:13:17] And I'd become a significant part and a recurring person on these shows. And so when my appearances slowed down because the shows were going off of air, I noticed that I started to feel a sense. My sense of self was starting to diminish as well. And when the shows were completely off air and even their websites and the archives were gone, a little bit of me felt gone too.

[00:13:41] It was a stark reminder of how easily I had allowed my self-worth to become tied to external validation and roles. Now listen, I'm listening to myself as I'm going through this podcast and I'm like, ooh, Alice, girl, get it together. Hey, it happens to the best of us, especially when we're enjoying ourselves. We're having fun. We're doing something that we love. You're going to want to do more of it. Include that in more parts of your life. But we have to have healthy boundaries.

[00:14:06] So let's get to some practical steps on how you can reclaim your identity and have some boundaries. So how do we help ourselves regain our self-worth and identity when our roles change? Let me share some practical steps that have helped me and I hope that they can help you too. So one, I want you to recognize your intrinsic value. It's very important that you understand that your worth is not solely determined by your job or external achievements. Now, this is not easy to do.

[00:14:32] And I've had a lot of people say to me when I was going through what I was going through, girl, do you know who you are? You are America's favorite nurse. And they would run down a brag sheet of who I am, what I've done, the quality I have as a person. And it was good to hear that because I couldn't hear it for myself. And I had to have a conversation with myself and say, self, it's important to reflect on your strengths, passions, and your unique qualities that you bring to the table.

[00:14:58] And what I found was journaling that, writing lists, writing it out on paper. There's something about thinking something and hearing something and then writing something and then reading something. It activates different parts of the brain to reinforce memory of certain messages. So I found myself doing that. I found myself journaling. So I would have the thought, I would write it down, I would read it, and then I could hear myself. And it was important that I read these out loud to myself to remind me of who I am.

[00:15:27] And I found that journaling helped me identify, helped me to remember that I am more than my professional title. Second, diversify your identity. So don't put all your eggs in one basket, right? We've heard that being said. And same goes with our time and our energy. So it's really important to engage in a variety of activities and roles that bring you joy and fulfillment outside of your primary job or role.

[00:15:53] So whether that's picking up a hobby or volunteering or exploring your professional interests, having multiple facets of your identity creates a more resilient sense of self. If you're so used to doing one thing and you're really good at it, you spend all your time, energy, money, everything into this one thing. And that one thing goes away. Baby, you're going to drop like a fly because you don't have any backup plan. You need a plan B, C, D, E, and F. Just like you would diversify your stocks, your funds, your portfolio. Diversify your identity.

[00:16:21] Number three, set personal goals. So it's very important to focus on your personal development goals that align with your values and aspirations. Learn something new. Learn a new skill. Travel. Start a new creative project. Have something to look forward to that can be empowering. It can't be all work and no play. And it can't be all play and no work. You need to set personal goals in a variety of aspects of your life. So that could be something like a health goal.

[00:16:49] I'm going to learn a new language or I'm going to watch a new television series every month. I don't know what it is. It could be a variety of things. I'm going to start a garden. I'm going to write a book. But create some personal goals for yourself. Don't just focus on one thing, which for many of us, it's our career. Number four, build a support network. It's very important that you surround yourself with supportive individuals who appreciate who you are. And not just for your professional role or your title, right?

[00:17:18] Oh, they want to be friends with me because I'm the vice president of ABC. Or they want to buddy up with me because I'm in the media industry and get into all the industry parties. Or make friends that are of different walks of life, different avenues, different slices of the pie, if you will. And then also reconnect with old friends. So old friends, new friends. You might need a dog or a cat or maybe a fish or a bird.

[00:17:44] But build your support network and lean on your support system during these transitions. If you're going through a hard time, it's even harder when you're going through it by yourself. But if you have friends, not just your friends at work, like you could be going through things at work. So it's really important that you can connect with maybe people from your church, from your neighborhood, from your gym, from your club. But it's important that you build a network elsewhere. It's amazing how much comfort and perspective you can gain from those who really care about you.

[00:18:11] I think about number five now, practice self-compassion. Be kind to yourself, especially when you're going through these transitions. Have grace. We are our worst critics. Don't be so hard on yourself. It's okay to feel uncertain. And it's important to give yourself grace as you navigate changes. Treat yourself with the same kindness that you'd offer to a friend in a similar situation. Now for number six, mindfulness and self-reflection. Incorporate some mindfulness practices and self-reflection in your daily routine.

[00:18:40] I don't think that enough of us do this, but I think it's also because some of us don't know how to do it. So techniques like meditation, journaling, and yoga can really help you stay grounded and maintain some mental clarity during times of change. We're just in a society where technology is go instant now, right? We're so used to these things. We don't necessarily take the time to smell the roses or take some deep breaths. And I promise you, even if it feels hokey pokey, what is this? Try it. It's insane if you keep doing the same things, expecting a different outcome.

[00:19:08] When you are going through changes, and I learned this from a therapist several years ago, that when you're going through something, it's easy to become depressed. And especially when you have subsequent disappointments that are reminiscent of that initial event, it's almost like your brain is wired to go straight to depression. So it's really important that you train your brain to think differently. And a way you can do that is using these activities. So when you start to feel yourself going in a certain direction, you need to incorporate some of these things right away. Now, that takes a lot of self-awareness.

[00:19:38] Not everyone's able to do it, but the more you do it, the better you get. It's like exercising. The more you do it, the stronger your muscle gets. But it's important to do the self-reflection and mindfulness. Listen, even if you've never done it and don't know how to do it, go to YouTube. I'm sure there's a video that can show you how to do it as well. So seek professional help if needed. Do not hesitate to reach out to a mental health professional. If you need counseling, therapy, struggling to cope, by all means, please do. In fact, don't wait till it gets too bad. Here's a secret.

[00:20:04] I don't have a secret, but when I was going through my career transition and also through divorce and then another situation for another podcast, I was having a hard time focusing, concentrating. I have a lot of motivation. I need help. And I knew my mind was so easily wired to become depressed that I had to do something different. I needed help. I needed someone to help me think outside the box. And so I started doing therapy. There were points where I was doing therapy twice a week, sometimes three times a week. It depended.

[00:20:33] What I did, I wanted to create the structure for me to get through what I was getting through. I had a trainer and I would work out with the trainer three times a week. And then on those other two days, I would do therapy. Or if I was with the trainer two times a week, I would do therapy three times that week. But I made sure that I had something going on every day to keep me in a positive mindset. So I needed professional help. So I had the therapist to walk me through, talk me through, and to listen to me with what I was experiencing so I could put into perspective and manage it and look at it properly for what it was.

[00:21:02] Because sometimes we tell ourselves stories and make things bigger or different than what it really is. So I needed that because I would exercise with him, work on my physical, obviously. But he was very motivated. Come on, Alice, you can do it five more times. Come on, push, push. You got it, you got it. And like that reinforcement, that motivation. So while I was getting motivated for that physical activity, mentally, it was also helping me to motivate myself to get my mind as well.

[00:21:29] And then something else I also wanted to leave you with is faith and hope. Throughout these transitions, my faith has been my cornerstone. I often turn to prayer and scripture to find strength and guidance. One of my most favorite scriptures, especially when I'm feeling lost, and I'm getting a little emotional right now, is Jeremiah 29 11. And it reads, For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

[00:21:55] Let me tell you, this verse has been a beacon of hope for me, reminding me that even in times of uncertainty, there is a plan and a purpose. I may not know it, but God does. And my steps are already ordered. So my job is to just get up every day and to give life 100% and give it another shot. Through these experiences, I've been able to come to a crucial realization that the most reliable person that I can count on other than God was myself.

[00:22:24] I had to realize that my talents, my skills and inherent value don't diminish because my role or my title changed because I don't work at a particular facility anymore. And what I think is most important is it's essential to remember who we are and whose we are. You got it. If you didn't, rewind and pick it back up. You have so much to offer, independent and regardless of your job titles or affiliations. So baby, it's back to business.

[00:22:53] Okay, get back to business. So during that period of reflection, which was a lot, it was hard. I needed help. Sometimes I backslid two steps forward, five steps back. Listen, we've all been there, but I allowed myself some grace. What I realized is that self-reliance has led me to focus more intensely on rebuilding myself. Who am I? I am Alice Benjamin. I am also Nurse Alice. I'm also America's favorite nurse. I'm also a great friend. I'm also going to be an awesome, amazing future wife. I'm a great sister.

[00:23:22] I'm a great community member. I'm not going to necessarily run down my list of characteristics and attributes. But what I do know is that I wanted to get back to who I really am and what makes me happy. And one of those is I wanted to get back to rebuilding the Ask Nurse Alice brand. My website, the podcast, all those things. Because the earlier examples I provided you about working with those different media outlets, I was contributing to someone else. Maybe I wasn't focusing on me. I had lost sight on myself.

[00:23:51] And so now I'm back and I'm focused on getting back to becoming America's favorite nurse again and educating, empowering, and inspiring people around their health and wellness, friends, family, and community members. So now I've revamped the AskNuriceAlice.com website. So make sure you check that out. Go there and visit. Check it out. The newsletter is back. That's back in motion. Sign up for it. And my goal is to establish AskNuriceAlice.com as the number one trusted source for health,

[00:24:20] wellness, and healthy living advice. So whether you're tuning into the podcast or visiting the website, my mission is to provide you with reliable, practical information that empowers you to make informed health decisions. So now that I've renewed my commitment to myself, working on this website, working on this podcast is going to be so much of a passion project for me. I want to keep you all informed on trending topics, health news, keep my finger on the pulse, pop culture and social issues to ensure that the content I provide is relevant and engaging.

[00:24:49] And so whether it's discussing the latest wellness trends, addressing mental health stigmas, or exploring how social dynamics impact our health, AskNuriceAlice is going to bridge the gap between traditional health advice and the modern challenges we face with timely and impactful conversations. So as we wrap up today's conversation, I want you to remember that your identity and self-worth are so much more than just your job title or the roles you play in your life. It's okay to feel vulnerable when things change, but trust in your abilities and honor the unique journey that you're on.

[00:25:19] Prioritize your mental health and physical health, because taking care of you is the foundation for everything else. You are so much more than your job. Embrace that intrinsic value, lean on your support systems and hold on to your faith. Let this promise be a beacon of hope as you navigate through life's changes with resilience and grace. Your future is filled with endless possibilities and you have so much to offer to the world just as you are. You really do. So don't give up. Keep believing and know that better days are ahead.

[00:25:47] Thank you for letting me share my story with you today. I hope it resonates with you and gives you the encouragement to lean into your strength and recognize your worth. I'm Nurse Alice. I want to thank you so much for tuning in to the Ask Nurse Alice podcast as I talk about all things health and wellness as they take center stage with a little TLC. So again, please make sure to visit AskNurseAlice.com, a trusted source of health and wellness information. And this wraps today's episode. I hope you found the discussion helpful.

[00:26:14] Please take a moment to support us by hitting the like, subscribe buttons, and leave a review wherever you're listening. Your feedback not only supports the show, but it helps me to reach more listeners who need this message. Also, don't forget to share the podcast with your friends and follow us on all things social for the latest updates. Thanks so much for listening. I look forward to our next conversation. And until next time, make good choices, be kind to one another, and live well, my friends. Talk to you soon.

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