The Body Keeps Score... and I Was Losing

[00:00:07] Welcome to the Ask Nurse Alice podcast, the place where we talk all things health and wellness and make the complicated stuff easier to understand. I'm Nurse Alice, family nurse practitioner, and join me for a real conversation about the things that affect our health and our lives. Since coming back to the podcast, there have been so many things that I've wanted to talk about, because there's a lot happening in health, wellness, and medicine right now. And honestly, I wasn't quite sure where to start.

[00:00:36] And then I thought to myself, Alice, let's start with you, because there is an old saying, I can show you better than I can tell you. So today, I'm going to share a little bit about my own recent experience when I was reminded that no matter how well you think you're doing with juggling life and keeping up with the chaos, baby, the body keeps score. And I was losing.

[00:01:04] If you listened to my last episode, Finding My Way Back, I shared a little bit about returning to the podcast after taking some time away. But there was one part of the story that I really didn't get into. And that was what I was actually finding my way back from. And to explain that, I have to take you back a little bit, travel back in time with me about a year and a half. And let's talk about what was happening to me. At the time, I had a lot going on.

[00:01:32] And when I say I had a lot, I mean, I was constantly on the go. I was working, traveling, speaking, building my businesses, taking care of patients, saying yes to opportunities, helping people, and still trying to have some kind of personal life in between on top of being a mom. And the thing is, none of that felt unusual to me. I've always been someone who's on the go, who's doing a lot. And quite frankly, if something needed to get done, I figured it out.

[00:02:02] If somebody needed me, I showed up. If another opportunity came along, somehow, someway, I found room for that too. But also, along the way, all the I got it's became lower. They got me. And during that, I was also in a relationship that had become a significant source of chronic stress. Now, at the time, I didn't recognize it, but we know that hindsight is 20-20. I was minimizing myself.

[00:02:30] I was accepting breadcrumbs, hiding my disappointments, losing sleep, and hoping things would get better as time went on. The relationship was indeed a role in things that were going on, but that wasn't the only load I was carrying. I still had, like I said, work, motherhood, entrepreneurship, travel, patient care, opportunities, so many different things, so many responsibilities. Yet, I was constantly finding room for one more thing all the time.

[00:02:57] I was pouring into all of these other things and blindly, along the way, didn't realize that my cup was getting emptied. Child, if I was a car, I was riding on fumes. While taking care of everyone else, I'd fallen to the bottom of my own priority list. And I didn't like it. There was no way on God's green earth that I could continue to participate in that fashion in one-sided relationships.

[00:03:25] I couldn't do it anymore, whether personal or professional. I had to stop. I didn't have the capacity. And here's the thing. I didn't stop because I had this well-thought-out plan. Baby, I hit a brick wall, okay? Physically, mentally, emotionally, and almost financially. My body said to itself, and pardon my French, Bitch, you can't do this anymore. Are you trying to kill us? Like, literally. Literally.

[00:03:54] And it was like all the neurons in my brain and all the cells in my body were all in this one big huddle, just waiting on the sidelines for me to sit down. It's like they wanted to power me down and reboot me with an updated Do Better Alice program because my body was keeping score. And like I said, I was losing. Now, at first, I just thought I was overworked, a little tired. And I thought, well, now let's just get a little rest. You'll be okay. Put yourself together.

[00:04:22] But once I actually slowed down long enough to pay attention, I realized my body had been trying to get my attention for quite a while. I just hadn't been listening to all of the symptoms as one story. First, it was the migraines. Those were probably the loudest. I had started having these headaches that were out of this world, like someone had taken a sword and pierced me right through my right eye, out through the backside of my head.

[00:04:50] And then my periods, those had gotten extremely heavy and painful. It was like I was having contractions. I was in labor and I was delivering a placenta every month to the point where I had become anemic and was needing iron transfusions. My sleep, terrible. I never felt rested. And even my blood pressure was cutting up. You know, usually my top number, the systolic, had always been low 100s. That was normal for me. But it had crept into the high 130s.

[00:05:19] Normal for some, but again, not normal for me. And then came the weight. And child, listen, when I finally had the courage to step on the scale, and this is what I did. First thing in the morning, I hadn't eaten or drinking anything. Went to the bathroom, tried to pee or poop everything out, right? Didn't have any jewelry, took everything off. Got butt naked and on the scale and still. Your girl had gained nearly 20 pounds. Okay, crazy. Now, just like a detective on the case, I seriously started looking at all of the details.

[00:05:47] I was locked in. I was looking for other changes and I found them. My hair was feeling thinner and Lord, the edges, those were going away. My nails were more brittle. My joints were achy and stiff. I felt bloated all the time. And even my favorite foods, they didn't taste the same. Now, when I looked at these things individually, right? I can explain almost everything away. Migraines. Oh, Alice, too much coffee. Heavy periods. Well, you know, you do have those fibroids. Weight gain. Alice, stop snacking. That's a little water weight.

[00:06:17] You'll be fine. Poor sleep. This weekend, you'll catch up. You'll be fine. But collectively, I had to ask myself, why were so many things getting worse and all at the same time? It was like the perfect symphony to a song called Falling Apart. And I decided that this was not going to be the soundtrack of my life. So I did what I would tell anybody else to do. And I made an appointment with my health care provider. Now, being Nurse Alice,

[00:06:47] I'm usually the person that people come to for answers about their health. They're asking me the questions. I'm telling them what to do and not to do when they're starting to not feel right. And being a nurse practitioner doesn't mean that I'm never a patient. And in this case, I definitely didn't need to be the provider and the patient at the same time. I needed a third party to objectively look at me and tell me the things that I tell everyone else. And we've all done this before. I know. We've all tried to self-diagnose ourselves before going to the doctor. And the crazy part is I'm actually trained and licensed to diagnose.

[00:07:16] And when I did look at myself in the whole picture, I was like, Alice, what is going on here? As I was connecting the dots, it looked like I was under a lot of stress. And I realized that stress isn't something you just feel. Stress has physiology. And so then came the medical aha moment. But first, let's do a quick anatomy and physiology lesson. So we're all on the same page here. Now, most people are familiar with the sympathetic nervous system, the fight or flight response.

[00:07:45] Now, in that situation, usually there's a stressor that's perceived. The sympathetic nervous system then activates the adrenaline and all the other catecholamines. And, you know, that increases our heart rate, blood pressure. And then our body is basically preparing to respond. So think of your body responding to a growling lion that jumps out in front of you. Your sympathetic nervous system is going to kick in. You're going to have scared feelings. Your heart's going to start racing, breathing faster.

[00:08:11] And chemicals are fueling your getaway car so you can run away to safety. So think of your nervous system like your body's alarm system. When there's a threat, the alarm goes off. Your body gets ready. And that's exactly what it's supposed to do. But there's another concept that helps us understand what can happen when all of those threats or demands don't stop. That's called allostatic load. Now, the two are related. They're like cousins, right?

[00:08:39] They're connected, but they're not the same thing. So now imagine this, the alarm going off over and over and over again. But before you've had time to catch your breath and rest after running away from one lion, you see another lion. So then you're responding again. And just when you get to the next corner, you think you're safe and you start to take a deep breath. There comes another lion. So there is these repeated emergencies that are happening that are causing signals and things to happen in your body. And it's creating wear and tear.

[00:09:08] It is actually causing a physiological change to happen in your body. Now, the sympathetic nervous system, this helps your body to respond to the immediate stressor. So yes, if you do see a lion, you should respond. Allostatic load reflects the cumulative toll that's repeatedly having to respond, recover, adjust, and respond again. And I don't believe that we're seeing lions on every corner, yet our body's responding to things similar to it that have the same effects.

[00:09:36] Now, your body can carry this load, but that doesn't mean the load is for free. Okay? There is going to be a price to pay. And that's what was happening to my body. The works I loved, yes, I loved it, but it was still demanding. Building of businesses required responsibility. Motherhood required me to be present. Traveling and speaking kept me on the go. Taking care of patients required to focus. I was constantly available to other people, and too often, I wasn't giving myself enough time to rest and recover.

[00:10:06] And yes, there was that emotional stress from that relationship. The disappointment, the worry, feeling minimized, swallowing how I really felt, and hoping things would get better. Those were all stressors, but they looked different. But physiologically, my body had to still respond and adapt to all of them. And that's what I want you to understand about allostatic load. It's not about just feeling emotionally stressed or going through something traumatic.

[00:10:32] It's the cumulative wear and tear that can happen when your body has to repeatedly adapt to demands, especially when there isn't enough recovery in between. And that's the tricky part. Because for me, I was still functioning. And that's generally what we coined pushing through, right? I was still showing up. I was getting things done, taking care of business. So in my mind, and probably yours, when you're able to do that, you think you're good. You've got it.

[00:10:59] Meanwhile, my body inside, all of the cells were saying, Houston, we have a problem. And that's the disconnect. I was measuring how well I was doing by how much I could still get done. And my body was keeping a completely different score. And let me remind you, I was losing. Now, all of that mental and emotional stress was creating a very real physiological response in my body as well.

[00:11:25] The repeated activation of my stress response was affecting cortisol and other stress hormones, inflammatory signaling, sleep, digestion, metabolism, and even how I experienced food, creating a ripple effect across multiple systems in my body. And over time, that cumulative wear and tear, that allostatic load was contributing to hormonal and inflammatory environment that my doctors and I both believe was worsening my migraines, fibroids, periods,

[00:11:56] while also showing up in my weight, hair, digestion, sleep, and just how I felt overall. So your brain and your body are in constant communication. And when I looked at my health overall through that lens, a lot of things started making more sense. Now, I had to turn this around, guys, okay? I was at that point, a reckoning. There was only one option. Turn the ship all the way around or sink.

[00:12:23] And I remember asking myself a really simple question. And I know this is going to sound dramatic, but bear with me. I asked myself, if I died tomorrow, could I honestly say that I was living a happy and healthy life, the one that I wanted to live? And the answer to that was no, flat out. I wasn't happy with how I felt in my own body. I wasn't happy with my health. I wasn't happy that I was doing so much for other people, other companies, other causes,

[00:12:52] while the things I wanted for myself kept sitting in the back burner. Now, no, I wasn't on the brink of death, but I knew that if I didn't turn things around, that I would be on the road to an unhealthy life that could lead to that. So I had to draw a hard line in the sand and tell myself, if nothing changes, nothing will change. So I put myself on a strict program. After that doctor's appointment, I went home. I cried that night.

[00:13:21] But when I woke up the next morning, I woke up a brand new Alice, laser focused and committed to my health. Now, I'm going to share what I did based on my health findings. Now, this might not be the plan for everyone else, but I do still want to share because I want you to see how seriously I took this. See the action I took. And hopefully that can inspire you to take action as well. I started working with a physical trainer because I knew for me that I needed a level of discipline

[00:13:49] and a push that I didn't have. I knew that mentally and emotionally, I wasn't motivated and had moments of sadness. So I needed a trainer to kind of kick my butt into gear. Okay. I needed to physically work through the things that had started emotionally and I needed that reinforcement and structure. So I did strength training three times a week with a trainer. And then on my own, I did walking or cycling five days a week. And then I had one day of rest. That was Sunday. I comboed that with a nutritional chef

[00:14:18] who completely changed my food and portions based on what my body needed. During that time, I learned so much about food as medicine and how to get the right macronutrients and fiber for my needs. I also increased my water intake to at least three liters a day. Now that's six 500 milliliter water bottles, just in case you were wondering. And that was at minimum. Okay. I got serious about my sleep. Phone was on do not disturb by 8 p.m. Lights off.

[00:14:48] I was in the bed no later than 8.30 every night, getting at least eight to nine hours of sleep. And let me say this, because some people associate sleep with laziness. Let me say this about sleep, because I used to think of sleep as downtime and it's not. Sleeping is when your body is doing some serious behind the scenes work, regulating hormones, metabolism, supporting your immune system, helping control your blood pressure, repairing tissues, consolidating memory, and helping your brain and your nervous system recover.

[00:15:19] Sleep even plays a role in appetite and wake regulation. So when I started protecting those eight to nine hours of sleep, sleep, I wasn't being lazy. Sleep had become a part of my treatment plan. And little by little, your girl was finding her rhythm. But let me also say that this was not easy. Choosing to be healthier does not immediately feel good, especially if you've chronically been doing the opposite things. But baby, I know I was cute. Y'all saw me on the gram.

[00:15:47] I was cute in my gym clothes, but I was sore and very tired the first few weeks. There were mornings I woke up thinking, wait a minute. Okay. Did I do too much? Why does my body hurt like this? And of course, in true Nurse Alice fashion, I did a quick assessment of Alice. Alice, can you move everything? Yes. Any sharp pains? No. Did anything pop, snap, or swell up? No. Okay. So apparently, we're just sore. And what did I do next?

[00:16:17] Reach for my toggle problem and my foam roller and kept with it. Because the truth was, I wasn't doing too much. My body just wasn't used to it. My body was basically in a military boot camp. These muscles hadn't been challenged like that in a while. And honestly, my whole body was just adjusting to something new. And so was I. I started thinking about it like the caterpillar and the butterfly. Everybody loves the butterfly, right? We love the wings. We love the transformation.

[00:16:46] We love the pretty part on the other side. But nobody talks enough about what is happening in the cocoon. We can't see it. And that's the period where the old version has to break down before the new version can emerge. So just imagine that. Being in the dark, going through such a transformation. And that's where I was. In transformation. I was breaking habits, routines, and patterns that were no longer serving me. And I was replacing them with something different.

[00:17:14] I had to be willing to be uncomfortable long enough to get to the other side. And this wasn't just physical. Remember, this all started with the mental and emotional weight of things. So that had to change just as much too. And so how did I do that? I got a therapist and I needed that. I needed a safe place to process what I had been going through, unpack some of the things that I was feeling, and better understand some of the patterns that had gotten me there to begin with. And eventually,

[00:17:43] I got to the point where I was like, okay, Alice, you know what the problem is. You know what needs to change. Now, what are you going to do about it? It was time for action. And that's when I pivoted to a life coach. Because at that point, I needed someone who was going to take me the rest of the way. Almost like an advisor. Someone who could help me take everything I had figured out and turn it into action. Help me get clear about where I was going, what I was doing, what was next, what to do,

[00:18:13] what to do if this didn't happen and this didn't work and keep me accountable along the way. It's kind of like a basketball coach. I didn't need anyone helping to explain the play to me. I knew the play. I just needed to run it. And the part of running the play meant making serious decisions and getting serious with my boundaries. I had become so much more protective of my time, my relationships, what I said yes to and what I allowed into my space and who had access to me.

[00:18:43] And part of that involved rebuilding my routines too. Because like what you feed your body matters, also what you feed your mind matters too. So my mornings, we got back to prayer, meditation, getting back into the word. So when I would wake up, no longer immediately reaching for my phone. No, no, no, no. I was giving myself some time in the morning before the rest of the world got access to me. Also in doing that, I had to cut off all the negativity

[00:19:12] and all the things that hurt me. And I mean off, I mean off like a light switch. No explanations needed. No, I wasn't being rude. I just stepped away. I got quiet, became non-participatory to all the negativity and the things that caused my heart to hurt. And probably one of the biggest lessons for me in all of this was I needed systems. Motivation was cute when it showed up, but motivation was not always coming to work. So I stopped depending on how I felt that day. I set structure.

[00:19:41] I had a plan. I had a regimen. I had boundaries. I had boundaries. And maybe my boundaries had boundaries, okay? And I needed that level of structure because I was trying to undo unhealthy patterns that had taken several years to build and had become a part of my fabric. This wasn't a 30-day challenge. This wasn't me trying to hurry up and lose 20 pounds so I could say I was back. I was trying to change the way I had lived a life so I could live the life

[00:20:10] I wanted to live and get my spark back. So, of course, this was not an easy process. This did not happen overnight. And like you, no one likes sitting in hurt both physically or mentally. And I know everyone's going to say, oh, it'll get better over time. Hmm. Not true. Or at least not all the way true because it's more about what you do during that time that matters. And with all that I had put in place,

[00:20:40] I was trying to build a healthy lifestyle and healthy habits that would be sustainable. I was trying to be constructive and positive during this rebuild phase. And eventually, I started to see the gains. Yes, I did. I was sleeping better. I had more energy, less bloated, the aches were less, my migraines improved and actually indeed went away. My periods weren't as heavy. My hair started flourishing less and those edges came back full. You hear me?

[00:21:09] And I was starting to enjoy my favorite foods again. And that's just part of it. Now, I was able to do this because I had built a team. I couldn't do this all by myself. I tried. And you can only do so much. You're only one person. It's okay to ask for help. But I built a team and part of my team was the trainer, the nutritionist, therapist, life coach, my doctor. I saw a specialist. I had gotten back to the word. I needed God in all of this. I needed to evaluate what had been going on. I wanted to understand what was happening in my body,

[00:21:39] physically, mentally, emotionally, and not just assume that it was related to stress or attributed to something that I made up in my head because I wanted to do all the things to help me get back healthy and put a system in place where I could stay that way. And during this process, one thing that I couldn't ignore was that as I actually changed my lifestyle habits, my health was changing too, physically and mentally and emotionally, for the better. I was happier. I felt purposeful again.

[00:22:08] I was reconnecting with family and friends and I felt the emotional and mental spark come back. Now, this is what I want you to recognize. As I'm telling this story and I look back on my life now, I think back to that question that I asked myself. Was I living a happy and healthy life? Back then, I was quick to say no. Today, I am so much closer to a yes and not because everything is perfect because it's not and certainly not

[00:22:38] because I think I have it all figured out because I don't. But I will say this and with my nurse practitioner hat on, I understand physiology. I understand that chronic stress can do damage to the body. I know the importance of sleep, movement, nutrition and taking care of myself mentally and emotionally. And knowing something clinically and recognizing yourself are two totally different things. and that's probably one of the biggest lessons I took from all this. Sometimes, the changes in our health

[00:23:08] don't arrive with a big flashing sign that says, hey, you're carrying too much. Hey, you know, straighten up or you're going to be unhealthy. No, we don't see those signs. It's usually not glaring to us, right? It all starts slowly. So, little by little, headache here, poor sleep here, a little tired here, your body starts changing, you don't feel like yourself. Maybe you're still functioning and you still keep going but what you don't want to happen is for that major chest pain, heart attack to happen to be your signal. No. And that's why I shared

[00:23:37] all this with you. Not because my story is everybody else's story. Certainly not. And not because every symptom is caused by stress because it's not all the time. But we do know and there's science and research to back this up. Stress is often a contributor. We need to just pay more attention and do a quick assessment of our lifestyle habits because yes, stress can be a contributor and often is. And if something in your health is changing, talk to your healthcare provider and get it evaluated. But don't leave what's going on in your life

[00:24:07] out of the conversation. Your life is part of your health history. And for me, taking care of my health also meant looking at the bigger picture. Look at how I was living my life. How was that contributing to things? What was I working so hard for if I wasn't healthy or happy enough to enjoy the life I had been building? And that's when something in my head that I'd heard many times before started to make a whole lot more sense.

[00:24:37] There's a scripture in Mark 8, 36 that says, For what shall profit a man if he shall gain the whole world but lose his own soul? Because, yes, you can build the career. You can chase the dream. You can take care of your family, show up for your friends and be the strong one. Be the dependable one and do all the things but I don't want to build a quote-unquote beautiful life if I'm too exhausted or too unhealthy or too disconnected from myself

[00:25:06] to actually enjoy it. Is that really a beautiful life? I don't think it is. I don't want that for myself and I don't want that for you either. So, if you are wondering where I've been and why the show has been MIA for a while, well, now you know. I was away taking care of Alice. To get healthier. To get my boundaries back up and to put some systems in place so I can find my rhythm and joy again. Now, yes, I'm still a work in progress.

[00:25:35] I think we all are but I'm back and I'm back healthier, happier, wiser and a whole lot more protective of my peace and most importantly, I'm back with a story to tell. Something to share. So, if there's one thing I hope you take away from this story, it's this. Don't wait until you're completely depleted to start taking care of your health. Allostatic load can build quietly over time. So, make sure you're giving your body a chance to recover

[00:26:05] from everything life is asking you. Remember, your body is keeping score. Mine certainly did. I was losing but now I'm back in the game. I've turned that scoreboard around, y'all. Okay? And you can too. I'm Nurse Alice. Until next time, make good choices, be kind to one another, and live well, my friends. Talk soon.